"If Loving You is Wrong...."

Love is what it is; Love. It is a very delicate subject (living or non-, whichever you choose). But the subject of love - in this hereto piece referring to love between a man and a woman - is fragile yet heavy and runs to unimaginable depths. Love is a feeling, a choice/decision of foolery or of brave-hearts... Whatever you may think love to be, it is this only that can in totality describe it: Love is a mystery. Honestly, that's what I think. But if anyone (and you so know you're not God)can really and truly explain this plain yet complex word and it's intricacies, then by all means do. I'll just sit back with legs up on the couch and a bottle of coca-cola in my hand and watch you make an a*^ of yourself. Hee-haw!

So, anyways, love is a mystery... chai! My pastor/friend/brother says that. I have been in love and have loved deeply, some decisions (of foolery) and others, a very adhesive-grasping feeling that I just couldn't shake off...... at that time. But, I write this piece for a reason: I am in Love. I love and am loving. And this time, love did confuse me, leave my mind in a fix, and knocked me up side my head. I wonder why it almost always is that the ones who would give their lives for you are right there under your nose, and you just can't seem to stop chasing the smoke from the dying fire in the passing vehicle.

This time when I loved and still do love, I made a decision (of brave-heart) and had that strong adhesive feeling.I am loving like I've never loved before, and folks, does it feel soooooo good. I don't know why; maybe it's because I can't shake the thought/feeling that this was meant to be and I just kept pushing it away; or maybe because I know he loves me so deeply with his soul; or maybe it's just because I know he would give himself in entirety just for me ( although I don't need him to do that cos the ONE who has done that surpasses all, but just having the knowledge that it is indeed very possible). Or maybe I do know why it feels so good; maybe it's because he was relentless in his "pursuit of 'have-me-hood'"; or maybe it's because no matter how much and how many times I pushed him away, he always came back; maybe it's because he built a fort where I could go and hide from everyone and everything; maybe it's because he became a shoulder to lean on and a solid rock right beside me; maybe it's because I finally realized that he was all I needed and more and he was always there, no matter where I turned; or maybe it's because..... he's him and I'm me. I think we were meant to be.

But it's funny how love tends to play us. One minute, we hate/loathe/cannot stand the presence or the thought of being with a certain person, and then the next, we love that one so deeply that it hurts to draw a breath when he's not near... Love is a mystery... Chai!

For God so loved the world that HE gave... Love gives - that is the most important fact of love. It does not hold back.

Sha this love sha..... this thing called love ehn... Kai!

So, to the man I love with all my heart, body, and soul: If loving you is wrong, then I choose to wallow in my ignorance and guilt. I love you, beau.

'Nuff said.
Beeliva

Tale of one Li(ves)...

Like my friend would say sometimes, "my life is under a pen cover". Well, at the moment, sitting at home, 'job-ful' and jobless at the same time, that is exactly how I feel. I know somewhere inside of me, that it is but for a short while... I am most likely going to be on the move by the coming weekend (happy weekend everyone).
So, as I was saying, other times, I actually feel like I'm beginning to live my life, not so much so to it's fullest, but I'm getting there. By the end of next week, i could be anywhere from Abuja to Lagos (here) to Owerri. Anywhere I find myself, though, I pray I achieve whatever it is I set out in the first place to achieve, so help me God.
Then, a friend of mine called me to tell me she was sure her relationship had ended. Ehn?! That's all I could say because this relationship is one that I have been a strong advocate for. Then one arabasco babe that thinks her middle name is stickler decided to show up and warn a friend of my friend to tell my friend (does that even make sense?!) to stay away from "her" boyfriend. What arrant nonsense! And my friend was doing just that, not even to the man in question about the confrontation. Me, I was like "you have got to be kidding me!" But seriously, how can one rubbish ge just show up and want to break down my building hoping it would crumble like a sand castle or a pack of cards. Lai lai o! Me I no gree. Whish kain? But, right now, I feel like the game is out of my hands... She's gonna have to play tough and talk to man, then in my own opinion o, she's got to get to that girl somehow and talk things out maturely (indeed! Not!). Mschwwww. Na wa sha for we girls o! The extent to which some of us would go to pursue man that is not our own sha! (hmnnnn!!!! Let me just hear or see or find out any girl is after my boyfriend... na disfiguring and rearrangement of body parts the person dey find!). Anyhoo, all, I can do now is sit back and hope beyond hope that it all turns out good.
It's actually been a while I blogged... I'm not even going to say anymore than that. I may or may not know what is wrong with my procrastinating brain. I think it's actually time to get professional help; you know, someone who's going to chop a whole lot of the money I don't have, keeping me seated and asking me in a very annoying monotonous voice, devoid of any emotion or concern, "so, Barbara, how many pages did you write today?" Mschwwww. Naisence. God help me sha.
Well. For someone who hasn't written a thing that made sense in the past God-knows-how-long-months, this blog is a miracle... Actually didn't think I'd make it. lol.
Nuff said.

PS:
I miss my boyfriend bad. Probably should keep that thought to myself, but what the hey? It's MY blog! Phbbt!

The Police is NOT Your Friend! Not in This Country.

Where and who can we turn to? I'm reminded as I write this of the Bible passage where David describes the impossibility of hiding from God and His love or running from Him (Psalm 139). But this is really not about trying to hide from God. It's not about God's infinite mercy and goodness. No. This is about the very dark wicked heart of man. A heart blackened by greed, dissatisfaction, and every kind of sin. This particular man is the Nigerian Police.

Yes, I might be a person whose opinions might not necessarily matter or cause a change, but still, I shall speak. I am a person all the same. My heart is twisted in agony. Bitter bile boils over in my stomach and I lurch forward to puke its vile greenness out, but nothing happens. I shudder as pain hits a side of my brain and flows down my spine.

The Nigerian Police Force is made up of the most wicked, heartless men Nigeria possesses. I have beheld and heard of their corruption and back-door practices in silence for a long while now, but they have touched where it hurts most. They have killed my friend. Yes that they did. And as is customary, they have denied this and gotten away with it.

My friend, like any hardworking young man in Lagos, was up bright and early to get to work, and so was at the bus-stop awaiting the bus. Policemen, some two or so number of them, came up to him to harass him. (Might I mention here that it has been noted that the Police is known for harassing university students on their way to school or home at this particular bus station). These "two" demon-possessed, cursed-forever policemen harassed my friend for his laptop. And being that they were policemen, he refused and asked to know why they demanded his laptop. They pulled their gun, shot him and still made away with the laptop. These fools then returned in one of their vans, shooting in the air to disperse any possible witnesses, placed my friend in the back of their van and started to drive to an entirely different part of Lagos, claiming that they were trying to take him to the hospital. They drove all the way out of that town to another one! What? With all the hospitals springing up in Lagos towns, you mean to tell me there was none nearby a bus-station and a police station? None nearby?! I know better. We ALL know better. They drove him all that way so that he could die before he got any medical attention. Since, he didn't die on the spot, they decided to kill him some other way without shooting him again - it was already a bad picture, right? They murdered the only witness to their horrendous and heinous act!

I keep imagining my friend at their "mercy", begging with them to help him, to take him to the hospital, knowing he was dying and that there was nothing he could do about it. He was at their "mercy". These men with hollows in their chests completely ignored him and killed him.

The most "credible" and "truthful" story they could come up with was that two men rode up on a bike to the bus-stop, pointed a gun at a soldier and a policeman (or was it two lily-livered policemen they said?) telling them that if they moved they would get shot. Then, these two men turned (automatically) to my sweet, gentle-hearted and simple friend and demanded his laptop. At gunpoint, my friend said no. He said no with a gun to his face! Does this stupidity of a folk tale ring true, people? The gunmen proceeded to shoot him, grab the laptop, and ride away. This is the best the Nigerian police could do to cover their murder. This is the "very sold truthful" story these devils in black could come up with. Oh, Lord in Heaven, may Your wrath descend heavily on these vessels of the enemy. May they never know peace and may sleep/rest never come to them (no matter the amount of Valium or Lexotan they take).

I do not, for one moment, believe their story. And because of the deteriorated and sad sorry state of this nation, no well-meaning eye-witness would want to endanger his own life trying to render help to a young man who lay dying by the road side. What if he was a criminal, right? What sort of country do we live in?

Weeks ago, these demons in black picked up two of my brothers as they walked back from Palmgrove bus-stop in Lagos, seized the elder's laptop and told him that if he wanted it back he had to pay for it. My brother, as God would have it, went straight to my uncle's who reported back at their station with him. These daft, ignorant, illiterate idiots told my uncle that they picked up my brother from an indian hemp smoking joint and so, seized his laptop. Very obvious downside to their idiotic tale: where then did they find my younger brother who was in company of the elder? They stupidly forgot to mention that. Honestly, I am stupefied by their idiocy. How do these people live? May all you thieving scum in uniform be visited with vengeance!

I am angry. I had not seen my friend in about 13 years and the only communication we'd had in all that time was via the internet. I was pleased I was going to see him the following week; I was going to be in Lagos. But no. All I got to see in the end was my friend's grave. His grave. May our parents never bury us. My heart bleeds for his family and the family he would have had.

In this country, the police is NOT your friend; they are your enemy - the worst there is. How can one open his mouth to say that his father/brother/uncle/sister is with the Police? The very people who kill you? who kill me?

And they call the people who have committed the evils in the city of Jos barbaric. Yes indeed, they are very barbaric, heartless, unfeeling, unnatural, demonic people. Who would go into one's house in the wake of the day, when lights and people still slumber, and butcher innocent children, and 'off' the lives of fellow humans? Those people are not human. But, I will not talk about Jos here - I think there are those who already voice our hurts and pains and shock to the very detail. God help us all. But, I dare to compare the Nigerian police to these people. They are not very different, these sets of individuals.

The Nigerian Police is NOT your friend. No sir, they are not, the wretched, uneducated, heartless beasts.

Nowthesedays..........

For somewhat reasons - them I do know, of course - I am with a heavy heart from 5a.m till 6 p.m. This job is sickening for the life of me! It is draining my psyche (abi?), killing me emotionally, and mentally! There is not a single one around here- hourly- to have a REAL intelligent discussion with. Not only is the verbal abuse in abundance, the mental reduction ability, which I have discovered is a droning skill and one which happens to be generously distributed here, is equally generously handed out. I fear that if I speak to one near-intelligent person any time soon, I shall be put to shame. Damnable shame.... if there ever was any like that. Anyways, I live.
And then, there's my boss............ If I ever was told that I'd work in a place where the Man himself made untoward advances towards his staff, I would never have believed it! Now I am slam-dunk in the middle of all the action. And just when I was getting wind of his 3D animated moves, I decided to get up close and personal with some discrete staff, and I got an ear-load (and then some spill over) of his previous escapades! Why in the world didn't ANYONE deem it fit to tutor me to keep a reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally long distance and dine with a long spoon from afar off? All I know is, I CANNOT be here till the end of next month. Period. I have set an ultimatum in my mind for him, the next time he makes a move. I give him ONE week to try it, and I'll up and leave without prior notice! Okay. So, I'm done with that. Part of my challenges through life, right? God strengthen me.
So, I got a call from some girl named Uche. They want me and my twin sister to be on the "Moments with Mo" show. They are having a special on multiple birth personalities. An opportunity of a lifetime, I must say. It is time to showcase meself and me twin to the rest of the world (ok. Africa), ay? I'm just sha sitting and anxiously waiting for her to call me back. I hope. I pray. And this anxiety had better pass fast, too.
So, I also found out why Boss 2 is very rude and, well, bossy. It would seem that not only have her legs stretched into places mine haven't and wouldn't dare to stretch, but also, some other parts of the anatomy have been places I wouldn't, in this lifetime, or another, dare to think of going. Ahem! "nuff said about that. Na she knows o!
Okay. I'm thinking for now, the ranting shall take a break.
'Narf!

Much ado....

As the stage curtain falls on this year, as is custom, everyone reflects. Or almost everyone. This year, I reflect. 2009....... some doors opened slightly for me, others were swung fully to their maximum capacity. Some doors were silently and quietly shut behind me, others were slammed hard in my face. But in all, in this time of reflection, I give HIM the praise. Because, even in my faithless, wretched state, HE remained ever faithful.
2009.... I did so many things wrong, and then some, right on spot nicely done. But, even in the worst of crimes committed against myself, and when I chose WILLINGLY to ignore what the fear of God really means, HE loved me in spite of.....2009. If there's anything I've learned on my bumpy journey through self-discovery, it is that I am a helpless, shameful, dependent, mere mortal. I WILL make mistakes... Oh, the Lord knows I will. I WILL break sacred vows taken.... Yes, indeed, I already have (well. Some. Not to worry. I'm not married). But above all, I have discovered that my life is as grass that will wither.... I am like chaff blown in the wind. I have been rightly described in the Bible: neither hot nor cold. Here nor there. And I did what I did and then ended up with my heart constricted in fear and pain.... why? (OK. I just read through what I just typed, and it sounds almost like I enjoy self-infliction. Oh boy!).
So... I don't have much to reflect on... I already see what I did wrong and maybe right. And I have made my hopefully-life-changing decisions.
I choose not to live in fear of the known (it is bad enough that sometimes, you are gripped with the anxiety and panic of what you do not know comes, so why add that of what you already know?) If this sinful nature will not let me go, then I'll flee with whatever remains. Even if I can't fly or run or walk, I'll tear myself away one way or the other. So help me God.
I choose to take a giant leap in the right direction to change my life from boring and drab, into fun, fulfilling, and fabulous.
I choose to take a big step in the right direction to having a job/career that is every bit as enjoyable as it is satisfying.
I choose to learn one new language. Or two.
I choose to strive to do HIS will. Nothing else.
I choose to be in a healthy relationship with someone I can live the rest of my life with. Love. Laugh. Live.
I choose to break away from all relationships that suck me dry. Or worse: don't do nada.

Sound too serious for someone who prides herself in not taking life up a notch to stress syndrome level. I guess that has to happen once in a while in one's life.


Merry New Year, everyone.

Sorry. Happy..... :)

.......

..........I feel.. so... very... distant... from... the... Source... of... my... Life... Feel... like... I'm... drowning... in... darkness... Haven't... even... got... a... clue... on... how... to... reach... out... or... get... back... to... The... One... Who... is... my... Deliverer... my... Shield... I... feel... empty... I... don't... even... know... what... to... say... My... Inspiration... is... so... gone... so... far... away... Please... I... am... nothing... but... a... weak... mortal... who... has... broken... one... too... many... vows... so... unreliable. Forgive me.

The Way Things Turn Out to Be.....

I'm not a football fanatic. Well. Neither am I a die-hard fan. Nor just a devoted fan. But you gotta love the game at least to an extent. In this country, yes. You can't but have a little love for it. So, when the Super Eagles (right now, they are more like Super Big-boys/Dummies, to me) played Kenya for the determining qualifier for South Africa 2010 World Cup, on Saturday, all ears stood in Naija - well, at least around me - including the cab driver in whose car I listened to the match come to an end.
"Our boys" (like the annoying sports commentators like to call them) led the game from the point where I started paying attention in the taxi, 2-1. Well, I thought, God bless 'em, then, for not letting us bow our heads in shame in the world of sports. And then, 5 minutes of extra time to the end of the match, Kenya did the Unbelievable - Equalized. 2-2. That's is. We're out. As far as I was concerned, it was over.
I learned our fate also rested in the hands of Tunisia; whether they lost, drew, or won. And us wining ours too. Drawing was not an option. I was quick to tell the cab-man to go watch the Under-17 finals, and console himself with the boys winning their match against the Swiss. I was so confident that that was going to be a work-over for them boys.
OK, so back to listening to the final minutes of the match. And then, my football boyfriend, crush-of-my-life, Osaze Odemwinge gets a yellow card within the last minutes. Beef, I mutter to myself. Silly referee. Can't stand having a fine, young, talented brother around you, can you? Mschwwww. Suddenly, the radio commentator croaks very loudly for a split second I think I'm in the stadium (I have no clue what country the match takes place, though): "Nigeria has scored a goal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" That man is going to have a seizure of some sorts, was the first thought in my head. And then it registered; we had actually won!3-2. Oh yeah! and Tunisia lost. So, two and two together, we had qualified. Wow! We were going to S.A. after all! Yippeeeeeee! So much for not being a fan. Hehehe! Thank God o! Thank God o, was all the cab dude kept saying. Tomorrow will make it a double-whammy celebration. At least, that's what I thought, right?
And then, the Golden Eaglets lost. Much to the heart-break of many Nigerians. Some cried. Some drank themselves to stupor. On my side, I did not dare watch the match for fear that I'd give myself a High Blood Pressure. They lost. To a country that never takes a stand. Switzerland.
I guess the Swiss were trying to repay our dear politicians for all the Swiss accounts they keep there for free, and all they could get if they charged them for each one of them accounts - my personal opinion. Oh well! At least they made history as the first ever U-17 Host country to get to the semi-finals, and then into the finals. They were good. As far as some Devoted fans are concerned, it was all the fault of their coach. Silly man! Trying to turn the game strategy around for the finals. Stupid, stoooooooooopid move. But, all's well, right?
Wonder what them Big boys are going to do in South Africa. Maybe a change is gonna come. Maybe a miracle. Well, we dedicated fans and non-dedicated fans, and couldn't-care-less fans, await.
Expecting so much from the Goldens and so little from the Supers definitely turned out differently. God in all, the God of football, like the fans say, is still in control.
Anyways, what's all this about football? ENOUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This is the first AND last time I would spill so much about football.
'Nuff said. Can't believe I actually sat down to write this.