As the stage curtain falls on this year, as is custom, everyone reflects. Or almost everyone. This year, I reflect. 2009....... some doors opened slightly for me, others were swung fully to their maximum capacity. Some doors were silently and quietly shut behind me, others were slammed hard in my face. But in all, in this time of reflection, I give HIM the praise. Because, even in my faithless, wretched state, HE remained ever faithful.
2009.... I did so many things wrong, and then some, right on spot nicely done. But, even in the worst of crimes committed against myself, and when I chose WILLINGLY to ignore what the fear of God really means, HE loved me in spite of.....2009. If there's anything I've learned on my bumpy journey through self-discovery, it is that I am a helpless, shameful, dependent, mere mortal. I WILL make mistakes... Oh, the Lord knows I will. I WILL break sacred vows taken.... Yes, indeed, I already have (well. Some. Not to worry. I'm not married). But above all, I have discovered that my life is as grass that will wither.... I am like chaff blown in the wind. I have been rightly described in the Bible: neither hot nor cold. Here nor there. And I did what I did and then ended up with my heart constricted in fear and pain.... why? (OK. I just read through what I just typed, and it sounds almost like I enjoy self-infliction. Oh boy!).
So... I don't have much to reflect on... I already see what I did wrong and maybe right. And I have made my hopefully-life-changing decisions.
I choose not to live in fear of the known (it is bad enough that sometimes, you are gripped with the anxiety and panic of what you do not know comes, so why add that of what you already know?) If this sinful nature will not let me go, then I'll flee with whatever remains. Even if I can't fly or run or walk, I'll tear myself away one way or the other. So help me God.
I choose to take a giant leap in the right direction to change my life from boring and drab, into fun, fulfilling, and fabulous.
I choose to take a big step in the right direction to having a job/career that is every bit as enjoyable as it is satisfying.
I choose to learn one new language. Or two.
I choose to strive to do HIS will. Nothing else.
I choose to be in a healthy relationship with someone I can live the rest of my life with. Love. Laugh. Live.
I choose to break away from all relationships that suck me dry. Or worse: don't do nada.
Sound too serious for someone who prides herself in not taking life up a notch to stress syndrome level. I guess that has to happen once in a while in one's life.
Merry New Year, everyone.
Sorry. Happy..... :)